What to do if your computer fails: For Dummies.

As the title suggests, this post is about computer failures and what to do with them if your'e not a "computer nerd" e.g. N.O.R.M.A.L. So, here are my guidelines for what to do if your computer messes up written for dummies, by a dummy.

1) Scream- this is a common solution for computer problems, I find, if you scream at your computer long enough, it normally gives up annoying you and starts working again.

2) Hit the computer- like screaming, violently attacking the computer is also a simple but very effective way of "mending it", just one hard jab at the computer screen is normally enough to get the device to magicaly work again.

3) press every single key- normally when the computer says error, it normally means that there is an error with the keys- so, to sort that out, violently press each and every one of the keys, and yes, that does include the é key, and your computer will start working in a jiffy.

4) Ask the audience- if pressing every single button fails you, you can always ask the "nerds" in the hypothetical audience for their opinion and as, ummm, well... someone in the world probably says "nerds are never wrong..... except when they are..."

5) Phone a friend- as it suggests, tip number 5 is to phone a friend, but, if they give you the wrong information, they're obviously not your friends, and you need to go get a life and find/buy some more friends.

6) Press the screen- if your computer messes up, it may be because it is a touch screen computer and you need to touch something to un-mess it up. This is quite a rare case, but it does happen to some dummies out there. So, always try touching the computer screen to see if that makes any difference, if it doesn't, well I would like to apologize for telling you to wipe your greasy fingers on your new computer screen leaving weird multicolored stains on the screen.

7) Become a "computer geek"- I don't really know how you become a computer geek, but I'm sure it's got something to do with getting rid of your social life and spending 24 hours a day reading computer manuals, but I guaranty you, when you do join the nerd tribe, you will easily be able to fix your mended computer.

8) Look it up on google- This might be one of the simplest methods of the lot, as you are typing your question into a box and it is being directly ignored answered by computer nerds all around the world.

9) Ignore number 8- if your computer has messed up it will probably be slightly difficult to look something up on the internet, my bad :/

10) Turn it on and off- this is the method that almost anyone tries 3rd, after punching the screen and shouting at it, but, if you want my advice, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME  ANYWHERE because it never works and your computer ends up in a worst state than it was at the start.

11) Read the instruction manual- Only do this as a last ditch resort as instruction manuals are the single most confusing things on earth, lets put it this way, I would rather eat a rabid dog than read a computer manual as they are all written in complete gibberish and, in my opinion, people who can read them should be classed as bilingual. P.S. if you throw the instructions away as soon as you get them 1) Hi-5, I do that too 2) completely ignore the last paragraph. P.P.S. I was sort of kidding about the rabid dog bit, please no-one follow me up on that.

12) Complain- this is certainly my dad's favorite method because whenever something stops working, he immediately says that he is complaining to the company and demands a full refund, even if the computer is 20 odd years old. But, whenever my dad complains, he normally gets his way as he is, how do I put this politely?, uh, Demanding.

13) Shout at it- as they say: third second time lucky, if shouting at it the first time didn't work, then try shouting at it again, but say something different, because you may have offended the computer's feelings last time, so it was upset so didn't start working.

14) Take it apart) this is a step by step guide of what to do: 1. take the computer apart. 2. put all the pieces in  order on a table 3. carefully look at every single piece making it look like you know what your'e doing, when you in fact have no clue what-so-ever. 4. Put the pieces back 5. realise you've put them back in the wrong places 6. take them out again 7. realize you've accidentally lost a crucial piece 8. curse under your breath. 9. work out the meaning of life while you spend hours looking for the missing piece 10. find your lost penny 11. realize you're useless at these kind of things 12. realize that you've messed your computer up even more 13. Phone a computer nerd to do things properly for you

15) Give up- if you have tried every single one of these methods and none of them have worked well iv'e got two things to say to you: 1) You're definitely not a computer nerd 2) hahahahahahahahaha you're computer is shockingly bad :P

THE END.